I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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