I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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