Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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