Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
