Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
that may or may not have been my penis.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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