I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Randomize
