I am puke
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
