woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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