Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
