Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
