Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
