My Higher Power is John Stamos
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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