Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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