He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
