I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
