i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
