Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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