My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I could have mohawked her pubes.
why do cheetos always look like penises
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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