can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
