you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
