The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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