I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
