i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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