I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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