Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
