my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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