Me too!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
