Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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