just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
