The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
