I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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