So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
