Please, let me fuck your mom
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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