The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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