you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
