Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
