i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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