I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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