I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
