Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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