The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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