I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
