how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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