I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
