And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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