he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
