I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
