I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
