you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
