i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
