I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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