I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
