so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
