I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
